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Drugs and alcohol helped,especially LSD and mushrooms. I did think once in a while about what itwould have been like, but it seemed I was having to be too macho. Ireturned home a few times during the first several years, but I didn'tbring up the clothing, and neither did they. When I left the last time,I realized that it was just too painful. I never looked back for overten years.For around five years after I left that last time, I seemed to losemyself, both in the sense of who I was as a man, or even who I reallywas. I got into running a drug business, and although we were honestfor the most part, we could be ruthlessly efficient. Although there wasa softer side to me, I only let it out at times with the closest offriends. The only bright spot was during a time when I was away fromthe business for a while. A friend had left some stuff with me whileshe went to jail. I lived in a cheap hotel room at the time, but it wasmy own space. Being around Brandy's stuff awakened old. As usual, they'd kicked the blanket off during the night as it warmed up after the storm stopped. Julie could also see that Jessica was awake. She was still lying out in the main living area of the house where all of their tools, kitchen supplies, and several projects in various stages were on shelves that Julie herself had built, but she was awake and staring through the open doorway at them.Julie watched as the woman's expression quickly changed from one of curious interest to one of self-righteous disgust. But Jessica said nothing. Julie kissed the back of Stacy's neck and gave her boob a soft squeeze before rolling away and recovering the girl with the blanket. Stacy murmured in her sleep, but did not wake. As her pregnancy advanced, she'd been sleeping a bit longer every day, and everyone was happy to encourage her to.Julie scooped up the machete she'd set next to their bed before going to sleep—not quite comfortable that Jessica was in the house. She pulled on a pair of clean.
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